It’s Time To Say It: There Are No Red Flags

Inside the Life of Coercive Control

Unfortunately, a so-called partner can end the life of someone who believed and trusted them. This happens in the U.S., and it happens around the globe. It’s time for change…

Let’s make sure we erase every last trace within ourselves of “why didn’t she leave” about ourselves or others… — If they’re using you, if they’re living off your soul… look deeper. How about we drop the notion of a ‘narcissist’ who does what they do because they have ‘low self-esteem’ or are ‘emotionally wounded’ or ‘need our energy’ or are ‘jealous of us’ or ‘want to be us’…?

— These pathological users adore themselves, know what they’re doing and have no concern for those they deceive and destroy. They do not want to be us.

Can we replace “It happened because she didn’t ____” with, “It happened because that creature is what they are, and that creature did it”? It’s time to talk about the reality of what coercive control is. In the beginning no one thinks their life is headed into devastation….There are no red flags.

At first it feels like you met the most amazing person on the planet. It feels like excitement, elation, promise and an incredible unimaginable end-of-the-rainbow, won-the-jackpot, dreams-do-come-true future is ahead.

And instantly, before those feelings register as more unsettled than not, you do things you wouldn’t have done otherwise, you promote and defend and “do” for this new person.

This is the sensation of being entrapped by an abuser… By a pathological parasitic and predatory user.

Their innate qualities that pass between us and others are different than our own…but we don’t know this. Naturally, we assume they are fully human, normal and like us….

Because what else is there?!

The way we interact — the innate qualities we pass from ourselves to others come from a place of trust and an openness. We trust, bond, believe, connect. We build relationships by giving, by compromising, and in vulnerability, by caring, by offering, by patience, by being there.

— This is how we live in the world as regular humans though we give this process little thought, and have many societal notions currently, that claim we don’t or shouldn’t ‘be’ or ‘do’ these things. -It’s time to look at what we are as limbic brained humans who connect and need one another. We are interdependent and interconnected. Let’s embrace that.

On the other end of our reality, these creatures of this pathology don’t have this ability to ‘give’, or to ‘care’. It is not what a pathological user ‘is’. Instead they are wired with in internal and unconscious ability to draw people in and bind them under their spell. —

Because this sounds impossible or ridiculous or like an excuse…

…And because we’re a people of ‘be accountable’, ‘take responsibility’ and ‘own your part in it’, we’re on the whole, blind to this possibility….let alone to this fact.

— It’s time we open to new possibility…

Those who’ve been in it know the sensation of being under their spell. Let’s start talking about it. You know the feeling that they’re ‘in your bones’. It’s time to really talk about this invisible, insidious, binding sensation, this sense of desperation if they were to not be in our lives that shocks and surprises us as we live through it.

Gabby couldn’t leave. Gabby was bound in under his spell and still believing, trusting, hoping while suffering immensely and while knowing -something- was very wrong.

This doesn’t mean you can leave.

— This bizarre, surreal world is all engulfing and eclipses your normal and former life. This space is invisible, so those on the outside looking in insert in this spot: “Why didn’t she (he) just leave?!” And there we are staring out from a hall-of-mirrors-in-a-house-of-horrors.

— The nearest those around us, now shunted to the outskirts of our life, get to tapping into the existence of this hall-of-mirrors-in-a-house-of-horrors that we’re now trapped in is observing, “She’s changed; she’s different.” In order to escape, the spell has to break. And in that you need the timing and opportunity to break away… before they kill you.

In order to leave, spell has to break, and then you need the time and opportunity to break away… before they kill you.

— The creature who drew me into a fraud marriage said to me one day, near the end: “I can’t make you do what I want you to, but I can make you wish you had”.

The day the spell broke the wash of terror that flooded through me was profound: fear of him, fear of what I had been living and hadn’t seen as complete danger, fear of the question of how would I get out of this, fear of what he’d do when I kicked him out…

In the same breath, this soul-cracking terror was shadowed and subsumed by the abject terror of staying one more second in this creature’s presence.

In my head, I spontaneously called him ‘the monster’ looking at him singing along to Buju Banton blasting on the CD player as he drove, or as he laid across the couch flipping through his phone.

— I knew in my gut and in every cell of my body that this monster could kill me if he wanted to.

— Keep in mind, he had never laid a hand on me. He had yelled at me exactly once.

Everyone of us on the inside of one of these nightmares knows this. Inside it, we strain to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt over handing it again to them.

We don’t have to change our normal gorgeous humanness or how much we care. They make use of our great goodness in deception and fraud. This does not make our goodness wrong or weak or bad… It does reveal how bad they are.

It’s time to flat out come to the reality that there are two-side to the story: the abusive user’s, and the truth.

Sending love, prayers, healing and truth…

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