Sociopaths Cannot Devalue us
They Didn’t Value Us In The First Place
The realities of narcissists, sociopaths and pathological predators and users has come into the news. We’re seeing it from many places; from celebrities and people in high places — several of whom have since toppled. R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, and now Keith Raniere as perpetrators. — And this is nothing new. Sociopaths have been around since human life began.
On the targeted side of things we have so many couragoues people speaking out. Actress Rose McGowan has stepped forward. Elisabeth Moss talks about marrying and divorcing a sociopath describing the experience as, “extremely traumatic, and awful and horrible”. As indeed it is.
This is a great sign because when this notoriety and attention begins to cast its light on this phenomenon, even the ordinary everyday human begins to be believed.
This conversation in the social online platforms. This is now so prevalent there’s lexicon of language to describe the nuances that has cropped up.
New Language to Talk About the Effects of a Predator
There’s now develped an early and tentative and searching, yet popular lexicon delineating the ride with these jokers. It’s said they: love bomb, idealize, devalue then discard us. It sure feels like we were tossed out as last week’s rotting garbage, but…
As someone who’s survived it, marrying an entertainment industry scammer, escaping and restoring my life and then devoting the past six years to writing about this and coaching and guiding others through recovery in the aftermath of a pathological user, you can bet I’m not going to stand for anything but support. — And devalue and discard does not support recovery.
What if there’s another way to think about this gut wrenching occurrence? One that helps us heal? What if there’s another angle that sets us free? Or are we going to let the sociopath hold all the cards?
”Devalue” Implies We Were Valued
Devalue us…? Is there anything more painful than rejection? Being put down continually, neglected, ignored by someone we love, and is meant to be someone who loves us in return?
After living in the grips of human devoid of humanity, a pathological liar and user, feeling devalued and then being discarded… where does that leave us? I’d say that leaves us small and sad. And where does that leave them…? Pretty much in the seat of power over our lives. Do they really get to throw us away like so much trash as if we’re worthless?
Words That Mean Something Useful and Supportive
Could we possibly create new ways to look at what happened, and turn the kaleidoscope until we see something that benefits ourselves? What if we could step into seeing that we’re weren’t devalued or discarded.
Why do I say this? Because no one is valued by a pathological user the sociopath or narc in a genuine way in the first place — people are drawn in and used.
Feeling “Devalued” Brings a Sense of Shame
When we think of ourselves as devalued, we’re left feeling tiny and shrink in shame. We can take apart this “devalued” concept and flip it to benefit ourselves.
Continuing to use this devalued word just because its somehow cropped up as the early, tentative though popular terminology for these nightmares is akin to referring to women as bitches just because other people do it. I know I refuse to buy into that one… how about you? — Words have impact, they carry power and influence.
Additionally, the very word devalued in the context of they devalued us not only describes the storm in terms of them having agency over us, it also implies we were valued in the first place.
Valued As Prey
This is true — and far more untrue. The user did value us, but not in the way we all want and deserve to be valued; not in a genuine or real way. We were valued by a predator, a narc, narcopath, narcissist, user, sociopath, psychopath (that’s all the same thing) whose value of us is determined by what they can get from us and use us for. We were valued as prey.
Prey. As prey. Not as a person. Can we let them be the determiner of all things? If they can devalue and then discard us… then where are we? Do we sit in a puddle on the floor…? Are we in a corner drooling with our thumb in our mouth? If you’re like me when I went through it all, the answer is — yes — at first.
I felt the twinges of these kinds of feelings. I relate to it totally. I started to stumble into living there, I had my moments… and then I said, <em>no</em>. And I said no again and again. Over and over. I turned things to the reality that supports our great goodness and value — our true intrinsic, undeniable, unstoppable value. Enough is enough.
Blame the Perpetrator of a Crime Not the Target
The acceptance of the notion of being devalued comes from many places. Number one, from social programming and age old beliefs about relationship roles and women. You know what I’m talking about.
So, lets frame it outside a femalecentric-judgement-and-bias arena… think of this scenario: if someone came along and stole our car while we were in the grocery store, are we going to feel ashamed? If we get home and the house had been robbed, are we supposed to hang our head?
Unfortunately, in matters of bad “break-ups”, rape, sexual assault and other related crimes, blaming the victim — especially if that victim is a woman — is an age-old happenstance and brings more harm. Let’s quit that right now.
What is “Victim Blaming” all About?
Victim blaming is ….about avoiding vulnerability. …Victims threaten our sense that the world is a safe and moral place, where good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people.When bad things happen to good people, it implies that no one is safe, that no matter how good we are, we too could be vulnerable. ~ Psychology Today Why Do We Blame Victims?
See the Events of Using and Abusing as They Are
Let’s turn this circus with a sociopath around and look at it from another angle. Here it is: a sociopath-criminal spotted us. We’re happy people and really nice. They want what our stuff, our money, a place to live, our body. They tell us sweet things. They’re lying. We give them our time as a kind and trusting person will. Then they take stuff from us. And take us, our heart, body, mind, and soul.
Sooner or later, we ask: what’s happening? Next thing you know, they get mad and call us names. It’s normal to get scared. And shut up. Then try to fix it. After that, they act nice-ish. Ultimately, they act mean again. This happens some more. This happens a lot. And the final bit is, they disappear. — Or we told them to leave.
Place No Shame or Blame on Yourself
Here’s the million dollar question: if anyone in this scenario should feel shame here, who would it be? Ding-ding-ding-ding! Correct answer: the sociopath! Except, remember: they don’t. A sociopath feels no shame or guilt or remorse… these emotions aren’t available to them biologically or physiologically.
Devaluing, Discard: Part of the Sociopath’s Tactic to Survive
There’s a reason sociopaths act like they do: they have abnormal brains; they feel no positive bonding emotions. Kinda like a reptile.They have a primal, pre-mammal sort of brain that is focused on self-survival. One that holds all others in contempt. And that includes even their moms and dads and kids. There are no limits or boundaries they see or heed in relation to what they might do to someone in order to gain things they want.
These are people capable of any awful thing under the sun solely to get what they want and get away with it. That’s it. They don’t give a hoot how we think, feel, dress, walk, talk, eat, dance, laugh, cry — or don’t — unless it plays into them getting or not getting what they want.
We Are Amazing and Awesome
As regular people, we thrive on positive human connections. We try to resolve disharmony. Disharmony makes us ill, that’s what the PTSD is about. Truth and openness are the norm. We can’t help it, it’s wired into who we are, we look at things from an emotional standpoint. Feelings are what we talk a lot about; feelings are very important to us.
Sociopaths have no feelings in the way that we do. So, our “feelings” approach to looking at what happened for answers and explanations of their behavior is never going to clear things up. We’ve got a hard pill to swallow: there is evil in life.
Our worth is not in their hands. They don’t devalue us; they can’t. These clowns didn’t value us to begin with. Repeat: our worth is not in their hands.
The Truth: They Fail and Vail
So, what’s really happening when these freaks get nasty mean and ghost? They’re failing. They bail. This day is expected by them from the first hello. It’s a pattern they live on the regular. Their scam, fraud, front, fake-out, lying has worn thin. We see too much, know too much, ask too much, expect too much for them to hang on any longer. They aren’t getting any more out of it, they aren’t getting away with it… So, they fail and bail.
Emotional Intelligence and Connection
Realize, the human traits we possess, our character, skills, capabilities and connections, loyalty, determination, persistence, devotion, kindness, our impulse to give, and the way we value relationships and honesty — all these and more goodness are what brought us to the sociopath’s attention.
Sociopath-predators need what we are and the material things we own in all but very few cases in order to survive. This is what they value in us. Personally, specifically — us as a person — they have no interest in or clue about. They never knew us and don’t care to. In fact, they aren’t able to know, or love, or connect with anyone due to their brain biology.
Narcs, narcissists, sociopaths — are thieves. We must devalue their behavior. We must discard the lies and reject the idea that they can devalue us. Without us believing in their lies they have no power. Throw that trash out. We’re the ones with the power.
Sending all good things…Jennifer Smith
Here’s to REAL True Love and Happiness!
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As a certified coach, upholding industry standards I strive to inform, educate, invite thought and dialogue, co-plan, co-strategize, advise, consult, refer, recommend, train, teach, guide, and coach people in guided recovery and discovery specific to these crimes, and from hell and broken in the aftermath to whole again, and more. You decide what winning is.